It’s that time of year again. It’s a time when millions of us will take to the air or to the road and travel to visit with our families and give thanks for all of the blessings that we have. The highlight of your day may be a deep-fried turkey or a roasted turkey. You may look forward to the dressing or stuffing. Maybe your pie is apple or pumpkin.
It’s also time for another installment of holiday policy language. This should be added by endorsement to any homeowners’ policy.
FAMILY COMPETITIONS LIMITED COVERAGE
We hereby limit coverage for “bodily injury”, “property damage”, and “relationship damage” related to “family competitions” to “family competition” participants that are not “family members”. All “family members” are excluded from coverage for any “bodily injury”, “property damage”, and “relationship damage” related to “family competitions”.
“Family competitions” means any activity that pits one “family member” or a group of “family members” against another “family member” or group of “family members”. This includes, but is not limited to the following activities:
- Football games in the yard,
- Watching football on any device that receives entertainment signals of any kind,
- Monopoly tournament,
- Iron Chef competition,
- Pie bake off, or
- The race to the couch for an afternoon nap.
“Family member” means any:
- Child, parent, grandchild, grandparent, cousin, sibling, spouse, former spouse, stepchild, stepparent of the family that lives at the address of the family gathering;
- Person who grew up with any “family member” as a friend of the family and ever participated in any “family competition” ever;
- Spouse, whether or not they have ever participated in any “family competition”; or
- Other person that participates in any “family competition” if they have ever participated in any “family competition” before; including, but not limited to neighbors, old boyfriends, old girlfriends, and blind dates.
“Family member” does not include anyone who is attending the family’s annual Thanksgiving dinner and who has never participated in any “family competitions” in any way, including cheering for one person or team.
PARKED VEHICLE PHYSICAL DAMAGE EXCLUSION
We hereby exclude coverage for “physical damage” to any “parked vehicle” of any attendee of the family’s annual Thanksgiving dinner. This exclusion extends to all “parked vehicles” no matter where they are parked.
“Parked vehicle” means the vehicle that the attendee arrived at dinner in, as long as the vehicle is intended to remain in place the entire time the attendee is at dinner. The “parked vehicle” does not have to be on premises to be a “parked vehicle”. The family may be large enough that an attendee may have to park down the street, around the corner, or some other equally inconvenient place.
“Parked vehicle” does not include an Uber, Lyft, taxi, or other means of conveyance, if they are waiting to take the attendee home because they “just wanted to pop in and be seen”, or were unable to “stay because of work stuff”, or any other excuse to get out of stay for dinner and avoid the “family competition”.
“Physical damage” means any damage to the “parked vehicle” including, but not limited to:
- Scratches, dents, dings, broken glass due to an attendee’s child not paying attention and running into it while running, riding a bicycle, playing, riding a skateboard, do doing anything else;
- Retaliatory damage because someone involved in the “family competition” is such a sore loser that they take their anger out on any “parked vehicle”;
- Overturn of vehicles that no one really likes anyway, such as the Prius, Shock, Smart, or other such vehicle;
- Any damage dome when the person has any “parked vehicle” towed because it’s been parked in front of their house since early that morning and they are over it, including any towing or storage charge assessed; or
- Any other damage that may occur when a “parked vehicle” is left unattended all day long.
I think that’ll do it.
If you’ve read this all the way down the page, I want to wish you and yours the happiest of Thanksgivings. May you feast with family and friends. May you find joy in building those relationships. May you be blessed.
NOTE: This is all supposed to be funny. If anything in this offends you, please accept my apologies. My only intent is to make people chuckle a little like I did while I was writing.
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